What’s all the fuss about bucket lists?

Before you draw up a bucket list, think hard. You might be gifting it to friends, or causing a family drama about how many kids you should have had… For more ideas about thrifty, creative and eco-friendly ways to raise children follow this blog or get my book Homemade Kids, out of the library. This post is by Nicola Baird, also see www.nicolabaird.com

Nicola with her two daughters. (2015)

Nicola with her two daughters. (2015)

Everyone has a bucket list nowadays.

What used to be a wish list of dreams – things you might love to do one day – has taken on not just the status of a corporate to do list but also a certain mystical reverence. It has become something that must be done, and if not by you then your nearest and dearest.

When 15 year old Vaishali Bance Suhayr died recently, after years of poor health, her family took over her bucket list. According to the Evening Standard her aunt went swimming with dolphins, her mum wrote her name in concrete and her eldest sister is planning to skydive and crowdsurf. Actually it’s a really lovely way to remember someone… another auntie is to scuba dive, another plans to walk the Great Wall of China and her dad is going to milk a cow. All things Vaishali had put on her list.

If you plan to keep your family busy after you’ve died then a bucket list is essential.

Except I don’t have a bucket list.

So on a date night with my husband (at Plum & Spilt Milk’s secret first floor bar in the super posh Great Northern Hotel at King’s Cross) we tried drawing up a list of some things we’d like to do, or hadn’t yet done over a glass of Punk IPA (him) and Essex-grown wine (me). His list is mostly places he’d like to visit. But then to my shock – and I’m hoping he’s joking – he added, “Have a son”. We have two daughters and I’m 52, so I won’t be producing the son he’s never mentioned he’s wanted before.

It was unsettling.

And I don’t think his teenage, feminist daughters will be best pleased by this news either.


Dad and daughter digging for ancient relics in a mole hill (2011).

Thus it was serendipity that the first story on the radio we woke up to the next morning was how the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has just discovered that his Dad was in fact not his biological father. Rather cruelly he’d been obliged to have a DNA test after journalists started snooping around his elderly mum’s personal life. Justin Welby is 60, and allegedly had not a clue that his genetic origins were in anyway questionable. Rather sweetly a top tweet has said something on the lines of how appropriate for a Man of God, now he knows what Jesus must have felt… (!)

In contrast I felt rather smug hearing poor Welby’s discovery… perhaps such revelations will help my DH remove such an outrageous desire for a son off his bucket list. Because children aren’t always the right chip off the old block. Even a much longed for son or daughter.

This post is to warn anyone tempted to dream up a list of things they want to do – either while they still can, or just because YOLO – that you have to be careful what you wish for, because if it comes true the consequences may well turn your life upside down.

But it’s also interesting: having children is such a steep learning curve, but the mix of genders arriving in your home does seem to affect that experience. I’ve loved having two daughters, and I reckon I’d have been happy with boys too. I remember years ago when bleary-eyed from a non-sleeping baby, overhearing our next door neighbour who had three sons, saying how much harder it was to raise boys. She then added that having a girl didn’t really count because they were so much easier to entertain. Obviously she was joking (and I was super-sleep deprived, never mind accidentally listening in), but how different are gender-blended families? Is my husband right – did we make a fatal mistake by settling with just two kids? Not that there’s much I can do about it (and nor do I wish to).  In fact I’m rather more inclined to count our blessings.

Over to you
What do you think? Does just having just boys or girls in your family make you less of a mum or dad? I know the answer is of course not, but I’m asking for your secret thoughts on this -not your politically correct ones…

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